


Terrible Things

by theangelcastiella



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Family, Fluff, daddy!dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 20:04:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7120510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theangelcastiella/pseuds/theangelcastiella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been over ten years since you died, and Dean has yet to recover. But when his kids come storming in demanding to know everything about you, he has to take a trip down memory lane - for better or worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Terrible Things

**Author's Note:**

> This work was inspired by the song Terrible Things by Mayday Parade.

 

“Dad?”

Dean looked up from his lore to see your two children, well into their teens now, standing in the doorway. They  were wearing that same look on their faces  that  you used to have when you  really  wanted something and nothing  could stop you from getting it. 

There it was again, that subtle knot in his throat. Just by the thought of you.

“Hey, kiddos,” He  said quietly , putting his books to the side. “Whaddaya need?”

The girl looked at her older brother and back to Dean. “We want you to tell us  about Mom.”

Dean’s stomach dropped.  He knew this day would be coming, he just was hoping he could put it off a little longer.

“Guys, I’ve  told you  about her a million times.”

It was true. He’d told them how beautiful you’d been. He’d talked about your wedding. He’d shown some pictures. Deep down, he’d always known that wouldn’t be enough. Not for your kids. They both had inherited your curiosity and Dean’s persistence. 

“No,” your son said, his chin up in defiance. “We want  to know everything.  How you met, what she was really like. We wanna know all the details that were too much for us to hear about as kids.  It’s  about damn time you tell  us . I’m eighteen, and  Emma is going on sixteen. I  know you  were her husband, but we’re her  kids . We deserve  to know .”

Emma looked at the ground, shuffling her feet. “Eric’s right, Dad.”

Tension was so thick that a person could see it. Dean stared at your son with his jaw locked tight. That was another trait Dean shared with his kids. That gaze, the one that somehow managed to seem both angry and disappointed. Finally, he sighed and stood, walking into his bedroom and signalling for the kids to follow. 

“God, when I met your mother... I was about ten years older than you, Eric. 27, I’m pretty sure. I was waiting for Sammy at some park in Wisconsin. We were there on a case. Werewolves. And then I saw her, standing with a friend. I’d never seen a woman so beautiful…”

^^^

The day  was bright and warm, the  kind of  warmth  that  you  just  want to seep into your skin and stay there forever. You and  a friend from college, Alicia, had been walking along the park’s path and feeding the ducks when she  suddenly stopped you.

“ Hey . Psst,  hey , Y/N, look over there.”

“What? What is it?”

You casually looked behind you to find the eyes of a rather attractive young man boring into you, almost as if stuck in a daydream. You locked eyes with him for just a moment before quickly turning back to your friend.

“That guy was totally staring at you!” She said, face lit up in excitement.

“He  was not.”

“Yeah, he is. You’d better go over there and introduce yourself!”

You glared at Alicia as she shoved you in the man’s direction.  Slowly you approached him, trying to settle the nerves in your stomach. He smiled, a genuine smile, and scooted  over . 

“Hey…” you began, twirling your hair awkwardly, “Umm, my friend convinced me that I should come over here and introduce myself. I’m Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Hi there Y/N, I’m Dean Winchester. Wanna sit down?”

You obliged, taking a seat next to  Dean . “Nice day, huh?”

“Very.”

Silence followed, peaceful but somewhat uncomfortable.  You wanted to get to know this Dean Winchester, but how, you weren’t sure. So of course, you said the first thing that came out of your mouth.

“I came over here because I saw you staring at me. I couldn’t help but notice it. You were kind of obvious.”

Dean chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “ Was I? I gotta say,  I’m usually better than this.”

You raised your brow, looking at the man. He had lovely green eyes,  kind and deep, and freckles  lightly splattered across his face. 

“What do you mean by that,  Dean ?”

“ Y’know .  Talking to girls.  I’m usually better at it.  Impressively good,  actually .”

“So what’s so different  about me?”

He pulled out his cell phone, sending you a cheeky grin. “How  about we go out to dinner tonight and see if we can’t figure it out. What do you say,  Y/N?”

You smiled and nodded. “I’d  like that. Do you live in  town ?”

He shrugged. “I mean, I’m at the hotel on Fifth Street if that’s what you mean. I’ll be here  all week and  maybe next, too.”

The two of you exchanged numbers and  then a tall, fit man approached you, not seeming to notice you at  all .

“ Dean , I found  a bit of town lore at the library. So get this-”

“Y/N, this is my little brother Sammy,” Dean interrupted, elbowing him in the ribs. “Sammy, this is Y/N. We’re going out to dinner tonight.”

He looked at you with  wide eyes as though he didn’t  know how he’d missed you. From there, his face extended into an ear-to-ear grin, and he offered you his hand.

“ Nice to meet you ,  Y/N.”

“You too,  Sammy .”

He grimaced, shooting a quick scowl at his brother. “It’s  just Sam ,  actually .”

“Well, it was nice to meet you, just Sam.”

He chuckled, and then turned back to Dean. “I’ll just wait in the car?”

“ Yeah ,  I’ll be there in a minute.”

You watched him walk away before turning back to Dean. “Seems like a nice kid.”

“ Yeah , Sammy’s one of the good ones. Um, anyways,  about tonight… does  7:30 work for you?”

You smiled and nodded, tucking  some  hair behind your ear. Your face  was growing warm from the intense gaze he  was giving you.

“Here’s my  number .”

He put the  number into his phone and smiled, his eyes crinkling up at the corners. “I’ll see you at  7:30 ,  Y /N  Y /L/N.”

“ 7:30 ,” you repeated. He gave you a  sort of  wave and walked  down the path after his brother.

^^^

Dean stopped talking for a moment, so caught up in the memory of meeting you  that  he  was at a loss for words.  Your children looked at each other, thinking maybe that this was a bad idea, that their father going through all of these memories again would be too much for him.  But  then his eyes unclouded and he laughed  softly to himself. 

“She  was wearing sweats when I first met her. She always used to say  that  she doesn’t  know why I even gave her a second glance.”

The silence returned  momentarily before Emma slipped her hand into her father’s; the only thing she knew that consoled him.  “It’s okay, Daddy. Take your  time .”

Dean looked at his little girl, with both pain and love in his eyes. “That night  was something I’ll  probably never forget. It  was the first  time I showed up early for a date. I  was outside her house by 7:10, wondering what the hell  was wrong with me. We went to this nice restaurant, not too fancy but not your normal roadhouse diner.” He shook his head  then , laughing  softly . “You  know what she said after they brought us our menu?”

^^^

“You wanna go to the bar instead?”

Dean raised his eyebrows at you,  nearly choking on his drink. “What?”

“I’m gonna be honest, I really have no idea what to order. It’s all so expensive. The waiter wasn’t even nice.” You looked down at your lap, feeling embarrassed. “Sorry, we can stay here, I just-”

“Are you kidding me? A  bar sounds friggin ’ awesome. I never go to places  like this.” He stood, offering his hand to you and putting a  five dollar bill on the table, and  then you  were gone . So much for getting  all dressed up, but you planned on using it towards your  advantage later.

The bar where you ended up was filled with people of all (legal) ages, bartenders running back and forth to fulfill their orders. It was karaoke night, which meant all sorts of people were singing anything from Taylor Swift to Bob Dylan to Led Zeppelin. It was really bad until you got a few shots in your system, and then suddenly everybody seemed extremely talented. 

“You gonna get up there and  sing for me?” 

Dean looked back at you, shocked. “Honey, something you should know about me- I don’t sing. Especially not in front of people.” 

“What if I promised you  something in return?”

“What’re you saying?”

You giggled, waggling your brows at him. “I guess you’ll  just have to wait and find out,  hmm ?”

He groaned, throwing his head back in mock agony. “I just met you and you already know how to kill me. Fine, fine, I’ll do it. Don’t be expecting much.” He called to the bartender for three more shots, taking two for himself and leaving the last to you before striding up to the stage (you had no idea how in the world he was managing to walk straight. You’d had maybe half of what he had and already felt it). He had to wait for the current performer to finish an awful cover of Party in the USA before he stormed the stage. You had an idea of what he was going to sing; after all, the entire time you were in the Impala, there was a classic rock song playing (not that you minded that).

You watched as  Dean took the microphone, smiling and waving to the audience.

“Hi there everybody. My name’s Dean Winchester, and I’m gonna sing a little song called Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard.” He cleared his throat and winked at a young thing by the stage, sending her into a giggling stupor. “This one’s for the lovely lady in the back. Yeah, the one in the nice dress and the hair. Hey, Y/N!” 

You rolled your eyes at the ridiculous gesture, fighting the smile from your face. A few whistles  were directed your way, but most of the attention  was focused on your  slightly intoxicated date. He smiled at you as the song picked up, starting with the classic guitar riff  that  you  knew so well.

“Love’s like a bomb, baby, c’mon get it on

Livin’ like a lover with a radar phone

Lookin’ like a tramp, like a video vamp

Demolition woman, can I be your man? ”

His voice wasn’t the best, and he wasn’t exactly on key, but you (and many others) cheered anyways. His subpar dancing only added to the humor, plus the fact that he never broke eye contact with you as he slurred the lyrics. You even found yourself singing along with him through the chorus.

“Pour some sugar on me, in the name of love!

Pour some sugar on me ,  c’mon fire me  u - up

Pour YOUR  sugar on me , can’t get enough ”

The dance moves suddenly got more intense (intensely sexual, that is), as though the liquor was finally having an effect on Dean. 

“I’m hot, sticky sweet, from my head, to my feet, yeah,” he drawled,  and suddenly everyone  else in the bar  seemed to disappear. You blinked,  and suddenly the song  was over,  Dean strutting back over to you with a satisfied smirk on his face. 

“How’s that for a performance?”

“That… that, my friend, was something else,” you stammered, feeling flustered still.

“Now, if I remember  correctly , you promised me  something ?” 

“I- oh, what the hell. A deal’s a deal.” Before you could convince yourself not to, you grabbed Dean’s collar and pulled him to you, and met your lips with his. He seemed shocked at first, and then kissed back gently, later with greater intensity. The conversations taking place around you were muted momentarily, nothing but white noise. It got to the point where you had to come up for air, and just like that, reality returned. Dean stared at you with wide eyes and flushed cheeks, and god his lips were beautiful. His mouth opened and shut, but he appeared to be at a loss for words. In that moment, you knew you’d won. For once, you’d been the one with the power, and you planned on using it.

“So Dean… you wanna get out of here?”

^^^

“ Woah ,  woah , Dad! I don’t want to hear  about you and Mom hooking up, God!” Eric  was grimacing and Emma  was imitating a gagging noise, both of them freaked out by  the idea of  their parents getting it  on . 

“Oh, please, we didn’t hook  up ! If you  would have waited and listened, you’d  know that we  just  drove out to a field and ended up looking at the stars together.  Just me and your mom, talking  about everything under the sun.”

“Don’t you mean under the moon?”

“Shut your  piehole , Em.”

Your daughter laughed and continued.  “But really, could you have a cheesier first date? Getting drunk and having deep talks in the middle of nowhere?”

“Yes, okay? What can I say. She brought out the hopeless romantic in me, to  the point  where I even wanted  to meet her parents. Hell, I  was excited  to meet them! Before her, I avoided moms and dads  like the plague. She  was the  first serious committed relationship I ever had.”

_ Probably the last, too,  _ he thought to himself. 

“Where  was I?”

Eric sighed. “ Meeting Grandma and Grandpa.”

“Oh, right. Your mom and I had been together for about a year, maybe a little less, and I tried to drive up and see her as much as possible.”

^^^

After that date, you and Dean became inseparable\- that is, whenever he was around. His job seemed to keep him rather busy, but he always came back to see you. Days were spent lounging on your couch, watching movies or shows or just talking with each other. Sometimes if you were lucky you’d get him to take a picture with you, and he’d even smile.

Those days turned into weeks, then into months, and soon you were getting phone calls from your mother wondering who “that young man who’s always at your house” was. That was when you knew it was time for you to take the next step. The next time he was in town, you called him over to your house and sat down with him.

“Am I in trouble?” He joked, though his facial expression showed that he was a little worried.

“No, no Dean, not at  all .” He let out a breath of relief and threw his arm around your shoulder, smirking at you in a way that  suddenly brought you back to your highschool years. 

“It’s about my parents. They… they want to meet you. I told you I’d ask first, but if we’re gonna stay together, they’re going to want to know who you are.”

He surprised you by kissing you  quickly and standing  up . “Your ‘rents wanna  meet me?  I’m cool with that. Let’s go today. Right now. ”

“Dean,” you laughed, tugging him back onto the couch. “My parents live  hours away. We’d have to make a trip out of it.”

“ I’m no stranger to taking random 12 hour car rides, Y/N.  All my crap’s in the trunk  already .  What do you say we put together a bag for you and get going?” 

And so you took him by the hand and led him to your room, spending the next two hours getting your utilities together and making sure your parents were home. After grabbing a quick bite to eat from your favorite diner, you were off, driving for hours (and hours and hours and hours) and into the night. It got to the point where even Dean was too exhausted to continue, giving you no choice but to pull into the nearest hotel.

“I’d say we’re making pretty good time, considering we didn’t leave until after three,” you mumbled sleepily, shedding your clothes and climbing into bed. Dean chuckled and joined you, donned in only his boxers (not that you minded). It didn’t take long for his arms to wrap around your waist and pull you close. It still caught you off guard sometimes that the big bad Dean Winchester was a cuddler.

\--

Bright and early in the morning the two of you were back on the road, tummies full of just about everything breakfast on the IHOP menu.  

“Really, Y/N? A roadtrip playlist?”

“Yeah, filled with all the good stuff. And by all the good stuff I mean it’s a smorgasbord of different music genres. I’ve been building onto this playlist since I was a freshman in high school.”

Dean chuckled. “Well, sorry to say it, but you can’t play it through Baby’s speakers. There’s no CD player, or special cord-”

“Aux cord.”

“Shut up. And best of all, there’s no place to plug your iPod into. So it looks like we’re stuck with my music.” He flashed a smug grin your way before rummaging through his box of cassette tapes (how he always managed to multitask while driving was a mystery to you, you could never seem to master it). Little did Dean know, you had a trick up your sleeve for just this sort of situation. Buried in your bag was a cassette adapter, for the off chance that you’d need it. Your friends had ridiculed you for the fact that you considered a mere adapter a necessity, but you’d known it would come in handy eventually. And you were right.

“So you think, Dean. But lo and behold, I came prepared,” you gloated, showing off your adapter. His brow wrinkled in confusion.

“You carry a tape with you? What is it?”

“It’s just what I need to show you my playlist.” Before Dean could realize what you were doing, you exchanged the AC/DC tape for yours and plugged in your iPod.  _ Hollaback Girl  _ began to pour through the speakers, and you rushed to press skip before your boyfriend could make a remark. Your efforts were in vain, though. 

“Gwen Stafani? Is this a joke?”

“I told you I started it in high school. I don’t know what you were expecting.”

“I don’t know, maybe something that’s actually good?” 

You rolled your eyes at him, but it was impossible to be mad at him. You could tell he was thinking the same thing by the way he was chewing on his lip. It was something he did when he was trying (and failing) not to smile. He glanced at you, lips pursed from effort. 

“What’re you staring at over there, huh?”

“Just my favorite guy, is all.”

He broke it then, a grin stretching across his face. You noticed a tinge of nervousness hidden behind his eyes. “I hope your parents think that way.”

You took his hand then, squeezing lightly. “Babe, don’t worry. They’ll love you once they see that I do.”

^^^

“And you know how the rest of it goes. Grandma was waiting with some of the best damned pie I’ve ever had, and I won Grandpa over by taking him for a ride in Baby.”

Emma smiled, hands on her stomach. “Grandma’s pie is the best. We have to go over there again sometime soon- hey!”

Eric jabbed at his sister with his elbow. “Don’t distract him! Dad’s finally getting to the good part. It’s obvious what happens after the ‘meeting the parents’. They get married. Right, Dad?”

Dean chuckled. “Not quite.”

^^^

Your hands were shaking, staring at the objects in your hands. The objects that could quite possibly decide your entire future in just a matter of seconds. A pale reflection looked back at you from the mirror, and then it was all over. 

Three pink plus signs stared up at you from the pregnancy tests, and a knot formed in your throat. Without even thinking  about it, you called for Dean, sitting on the counter and trying to control your tears.

There  was a knock on the bathroom door, and  then , “ Y/N , did you call?  Everything okay?”

Your stomach  was threatening  to get rid of  everything you’d eaten that day.  Was it possible  to get morning sickness this early in pregnancy?

“J- just come in, I have something to  show you.”

“I’ve  already seen you naked,  Y/N , there’s not a  whole lot more you can  show me-” The boyish grin slipped right off  his face at the sight of you, shivering on the counter and tears running  down your  face . Before he  could say a word, you handed him  the tests ,  hardly daring to look at him.

At first his face was stagnant, with little to no emotion showing.  That  was when  the fear crept  up ; the fear of the future, the fear of what you would do if Dean didn’t want this, if he didn’t want you. 

“You’re pregnant,” he whispered, setting the tests down and still nothing on his face. That was it, it was over. No more Y/N and Dean, no more bunker, no more prank wars. “Y/N, you’re… you’re pregnant?”

You shrugged. “I’m sorry. You don’t want this, and I’m sorry,” you sniffled, hopping off of the counter and attempting to push past Dean. “I’ll just go, and-”

“ Go ? Are you kidding me?” He locked eyes with you, and what you saw in his expression  was enough  to finally make that sob escape your chest.  There was nothing but joy on his face. “Y/N, the only place you’ll be going is- is to the doctor for a checkup.  We’re having a baby!” 

His arms wrapped around you, still managing to lift you off the ground, and he spun, laughing louder than you’d ever heard him. “You aren’t going anywhere, and neither am I, don’t you worry. You’ve got nothing to worry about. There ain’t no one I’d rather raise a kid with\- as long as that’s what you want.” 

“Of course that’s what I want! I was so worried, I thought you’d be mad\- you aren’t mad?”

“Of course not, how could I be? I’m having a kid with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I’ve\- I’ve always wanted a family. Kinda like a chance to make up for how screwed up mine was. A chance to set it right.”  He set you down then, tugging you out to the nearest room (which happened to be the library) and fishing around in his pocket with his free hand. Finally he stopped and turned back to face you, wiping the still falling tears from your cheeks. He looked almost nervous, and with his next words, you knew exactly why. 

“D- Dean ? What’re you doing?”

“I wanted to wait to do this, because you shouldn’t have to settle for crap like this, but I can’t help myself. I’m just so friggin _happy_.”

Dean sank onto his knee, pulling a box from his pocket. You pressed your hand to your mouth, trying your hardest to keep your crying quiet.

“Y/N, I know I say this a lot, but you’ve made me happier than any person in the damn world. And if you don’t believe me, you can ask Cas, because he reads minds.” You stifled a giggle at his stammerings (it was something you’d always found endearing about him- how you could tell when he was saying something important to him by how much he was rambling). “Um, sometimes I don’t think you understand just how much you mean to me. I like you, no, I love you, more than- well, more than a lot of things. Like pie. And diners. And rock music. And as much as I’d like to think it wasn’t true, I’d probably sell Baby if you asked me to, because even after all this time, I’m still trying to prove myself worthy. You just\- I love everything about you. Like how look really friggin’ cute when you wake up, and I how can tell you anything. I can just trust you, you know? I just want to give you the world, because there ain’t anyone who deserves it more than you. Uh, I can’t do that though, so I’m hoping you’ll settle for this instead. All I can give you is this…” He paused, trying to gain his bearings, and opened the box to reveal a ring. “Y/N, will you.. Will you marry me?”

You’d never kissed Dean as hard as you did then. Laughing and crying and clinging desperately to his shirt, you kissed him. You kissed him because you didn’t know how else to say all that you were feeling. You kissed him because you’d never loved someone as much as you loved him, in that very moment. At first he was too stunned to move, but he kissed you back with just as earnestly as you were kissing him, if not more. When you finally pulled back, you saw that tears were falling from his eyes as well. You’d only seen him cry twice before that. 

He grabbed your left hand and slipped the ring on your wedding finger. It  was simple but elegant, with a gold band and three small diamonds. “I don’t think you ever answered my question,” he laughed, trying to distract from his tears, no doubt. 

“Yes, you idiot.  Of course I ’ll marry you.” 

Sam found you both fifteen minutes later, sitting on the library floor, holding onto each other for dear life and crying still, smiles lingering on both of your faces. Neither of you noticed him there, but it didn’t take him long for the gleaming diamonds on your finger to catch his eye, and it  all made sense. He shook  his head and smiled before  quietly walking back to his room.

^^^

Emma’s eyes  were filled with unshed tears, and her brother  was smiling and shaking  his head . 

“‘If you don’t believe me, you can ask Cas because he reads minds’?  Really , Dad? ”

“Shut it. You know how your old man gets when he’s nervous. Your mother never let me forget I said that, either.” Dean chuckled, and then waved his hand at his children. “Now go on, get out of here. I’ve got work to do.”

“You want us to leave? But the story’s not  over . There are  five whole  years left.”

There was no way Dean could relive those last five years.  They  were the happiest  of his life , without a doubt. That  was why he refused to speak of them; he tried not to avoid thinking of them at  all costs. It  was too hard to  relive the best part  of his life when it only lead to remembering the worst.

“Well, I want to end it there, okay? You already know the rest. We got married two months after that, just a small hunter’s wedding. It was just Ellen, Jo, Bobby, Sammy  and your grandparents there. Few months after that, your brother was born. Two years later we had you. And then, when you were three, Y/N  got sick. The doctors couldn’t save her because they didn’t friggin’ know what it was.” 

His hands were shaking now. But it was too late to stop. “You know why I’m telling you this? Because life does some pretty terrible things. You ain’t gonna avoid ‘em. If anything, they’ll come to you. So don’t you dare fall in love, you hear me? There’s\- there’s too god damn much to lose. You’re Winchesters, and if there’s anything you can learn from me and Sam, it’s that things never work out. It blows, and I’m sorry, but I can’t friggin’ stand to see this happen to you!” 

Dean broke off  then , swallowing hard against any tears that  could bubble  up . He  was ashamed to show this side of himself in front of his kids, but he  was determined to get the message  across . He  could n’t bare the thought of them hurting  like he had since the day you’d left. It  would be  like a knife in his gut.

Emma and her brother glanced at each other and then returned their gazes to their father. They realized then, in that moment, just what kind of man he was. He may have been physically strong, but emotionally, he was broken. They saw it in his eyes, the eyes that yearned only for you; they saw it in the way his lips pursed and his fists closed whenever he was reminded of your death. But most of all, they saw it in the way that he looked at them, almost like it hurt Dean to see his children when they reminded him so strongly of _you._

“Come on, Eric,” Emma murmured, taking her brother’s arm. “Let’s pick up  some  dinner and  let Dad work.”

With one last glance at  Dean , they left the room, shutting the door to give him  some privacy.

Dean let out a shaky breath and stood, looking to the side of the bed that you used to sleep on. 

Beside it  was your dresser. 

He hadn’t dared to touch it in your absence, other than to dust it- and even that was rare. Their drawers hadn’t been opened in 13 years, but for some reason, talking about all that had happened between you had struck something in him.

He had to know what was in there.  You  would have wanted him  to . But he  could n’t do it alone.

“Sammy!” he bellowed. “Get in here!” 

It  was only a few moments before  his brother raced into his room, hair flying behind him.

“Dean? Everything good?”

“I friggin ’ hope so. Shut the door.”

Sam did as he was told, warily eyeing his brother. It was no secret that there was something was off. “What’s going on?”

“If I don’t do this now, I’m never going to be able to.  I just … I  know I’ll bitch out if someone’s not here with me.”

He took a deep, steadying breath, and ignoring Sam’s questions, pulled the first drawer open.

It was filled with flannels\- his flannels, the ones you’d promised to return but never really had. There were at least eight in there, all folded neatly, and on top of the stacks was a sticky note.

‘ _ Thought you may want these back someday. _ _ ” _

Dean’s blood ran  cold , his hands  suddenly unable to move.

“It’s okay,  Dean , take your time-”

“ Sam ,  there’s a  note .”

Sam was by his side in one stride, peering over his big brother’s shoulder. He pressed his hand to his mouth to silence any gasp that could escape his lips. “But- there’s no way she could’ve known-”

“You think I don’t know that?” Dean spat, moving on to the next drawer. In this one were your jeans and shorts, and another note was placed on them: _‘Emma will fit into these someday. Give them to her for a birthday when she’s old enough.’_

“God  _ damn  _ it, Y/N, what did you do? What the hell did you do?” Emotions were spinning through his mind, an endless circle of ‘what ifs’ taunting him. He wrenched the drawer from the dresser and threw it on the bed, telling Sam to dig through everything, even the pockets, while he looked at the next.

Struggling to open the third with his sweating heads, Dean finally saw that it was filled with your T shirts and tank tops. The smell instantly reminded him of you, and it was no surprise why, for the third note read: ‘ _I always found_ _the smell_ _of your_ _shirts_ _comforting when you_ _were gone_ _._ _I soaked these in perfume so maybe you could get that same comfort.’_

A strange noise left Dean’s lips. It  was stuck somewhere between a roar and a  sob, which  very  well portrayed his thoughts. Out of frustration and confusion, he drove his fist into the wall, cracking the plaster and  definitely bruising his knuckles.

“ Dean , are  you -”

“ Just keep looking,  damnit !”

Sam’s eyebrows were knitted. Every ounce of his being was filled with concern. He hated to see Dean like this, so distraught and aggrieved. But there was no way to help him now. Not with something this major.

Dean opened the fourth and final dresser drawer to find nothing but a  pair of sweatpants. 

The same  pair you  were wearing that fateful day at the park.

“No,” he muttered, shutting and opening at again as if he  would get different results. “No,  this can’t be it . God damn it,  this can’t be it !” His hands, one of them bloodied and battered, tugged the clothing out of  it’s place. Not a second later, a worn leather book fell from the bundle, causing both of the brothers to freeze in their places.

“Y/N’s journal,”  Dean whispered. “She never told me where she hid this  thing … Son of a bitch, Sam. This is it.”

“Are you sure we should  be reading that,  Dean ? I mean, she  obviously  kept it private..”

“Sammy,”  Dean said, his voice edged with panic.  “This could be the one thing that tells us the truth.  Y/N  didn’t know she  was dy -” he stuttered, “she  didn’t know that it  was fatal until she  was stuck in the ICU.  There’s no way that she could’ve left those notes.  I have to  know .”

Sam sighed. He knew that he couldn’t stop Dean now. “Okay, dude. Do you want me to stay, or..?”

“Why don’t you go check on the kiddos.  Maybe take ‘em out to eat somewhere. ”

Sam took the hint and slipped out of the room without another word, leaving Dean alone with the journal. Your journal.

“ Now or never,” he muttered.

As he opened the book, a neatly folded piece of paper fell from the pages, dated about a week before your death.

_ Dearest  _ _ Dean _ _ , _

_I_ _know_ _you’re confused._ _Just know that everything that I did, I did for you. To me, it_ _’s_ _all_ _worth it. I_ _just hope you can_ _understand. It hasn’t been easy for me, keeping this from you. You have the kids now, and Sammy, and Cas when he’s ever_ _around_ _. I want you to_ _know that_ _I love you, I miss you, and don’t worry._ _Everything_ _is going to_ _be fine._

_ I  _ _ hope you can _ _ forgive me.  _ _ I didn’t _ _ have a choice. _

_ Yours, Y/ _ _ N _

“ She wouldn’t .  She  _ wouldn’t _ _. _ ”

_ January 23rd _

_Dean told me_ _something_ _today,_ _something_ _that_ _I’m still trying to get used_ _to_ _._ _Hunting_ _. Monsters. Demons. Angels._ _All_ _of it, real as the_ _book_ _in my hand._ _I didn’t_ _believe him at first._ _I_ _mean, how_ _could_ _I? I_ _was_ _ready to_ _book_ _it_ _then and there,_ _when a man in a_ _trenchcoat_ _appeared_ _out of thin air._

_ I _ _ ’ve never  _ _ been so startled _ _ in my life. _

Dean skipped ahead, he  didn’t need to read this part. He  could remember it  all : your disbelief, the way you screamed when Cas  appeared . Not important. He’d come back to it.

_ June 16th _

_I went on my_ _first_ _hunt with the Winchesters tonight._ _Just_ _a simple salt and burn, but_ _it was_ _the scariest thing_ _I’ve_ _ever done_ _in my life_ _!_ _I’m_ _not sure this_ _life_ _for me, but_ _I’ve_ _spent so much_ _time_ _training, trying to prove_ _Dean_ _wrong._ _It would be a waste to give up now._ _Besides,_ _it’s_ _kind of_ _cool. I_ _feel_ _empowered._ _Like for the first time in my life, something I’m doing matters._

 _It’s_ _a strange new world, but_ _I’m_ _glad I have the brothers by my side (_ _especially_ _Dean_ _, but that’s_ _pretty_ _obvious)!_

Dean flipped through the pages, torn between reading every word of yours and finding what actually mattered. Before he could make the decision, though, a certain date caught his eye.

_ October 23rd _

_ Tonight, I had to make a choice I never thought I would make.  _ _ Dean’s in the shower, he thinks I’m asleep. I don’t have much time. _

_Tonight_ _, Dean died in my arms. He’d lost too_ _much_ _blood, and_ _Sam_ _was_ _off_ _trying to_ _find the car._ _Trying to_ _get cell service._ _Leaving_ _me alone_ _with_ _Dean_ _, who_ _could_ _hardly_ _keep his eyes open._

 _After_ _Sam_ _left_ _,_ _Dean_ _gave my hand a final squeeze, tried to say something, and_ _then_ _left_ _me alone_ _._

_ There wasn’t much time.  _ _ I had to  _ _ make a choice _ _ between myself and the one  _ _ that  _ _ I love. It  _ _ wasn’t _ _ hard, not  _ _ really _ _.  _

_The_ _demon_ _who met with me_ _was_ _kind, for a_ _demon_ _. He let me_ _make_ _arrangements with him._ _I knew_ _it_ _would_ _crush_ _Dean_ _to_ _know about_ _this, so I told him to take me by way of sickness instead of hellhound._ _Apparently_ _, the guy_ _knew_ _Dean_ _, so he_ _was_ _happy to meet my_ _request_ _._ _All_ _I_ _know about_ _him is that he_ _was_ _short,_ _a bit_ _on the plump side, and dressed in a formal suit._

_ I have ten years left. _

“Crowley,”  Dean seethed, throwing the journal as hard as he  could across the room.  He didn’t need to know anything else, that had been enough.

You had given your life for his, and you  never even told him.

From that moment, all Dean saw was red. Red, and your face. The sounds of splintering wood and shattering glass never even reached his ears, because all he could think about was you, you, you. 

^^^

When Sam got home later, he was shocked to find the bunker in tatters. Books were thrown everywhere, lamps and mirrors shattered, chairs broken.

When he called for his older brother, he  got no answer, sending  Sam on a frenzied search.  Emma and Eric  were n’t far behind, the three  easily splitting  up .

It didn’t take long for Emma to find her father. He was in his bedroom, and the sight made the breath rush out of her lungs.

The wall was cracked in multiple places, the dresser that Dean had so carefully preserved lay on it’s side. Beside it lay Dean himself; in one hand was an empty flask and another was your journal. The flannels that he had found earlier were wrapped in his arms.

Not saying a word, Emma crawled over to her father and wrapped her arms around him. It didn’t take words to tell her what had happened here. All she knew was that her father needed her, and she was going to be there for him no matter how long it took. 

She stayed like that all night, clinging to her father like a child. And when Dean finally awoke the next morning, his daughter beside him, a small spark of hope lit up his heart. Everything was different now; that was something that wouldn’t be changed. But with the help of his brother and your children, maybe he could get through it.

Only time would tell.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
